Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.