Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.