Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

Once again not all heroes wear capes

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot