Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived
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I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding