until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
NASA has no chill
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
okay run it by me one more time
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
