Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
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WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
CUTE CAT‼︎
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do