Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
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Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”