Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
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I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number