until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
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My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
LOL!
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
“I’m going in the back for a Zoom meeting.”
“Why are your meetings always right when the kids all flood into the library after school?”
“The committee chair schedules the meetings.”
“Who’s your committee chair?”
“I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.