until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
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Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
bat life
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours