until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
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Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes