Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

THE AUDACITY. 😤

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

Jail

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.