Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
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If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
January has been Januweary
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
The cashier just checked me out.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do