Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
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I have many caverns
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Don’t snitch tag.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
LOL
Penguins walking in 5x speed
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
did it work
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”