Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
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My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Check your privilege
Not today, today.
Not today.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.