Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
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Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs