Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
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My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!