Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

when dads have a rap battle

😆

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”