Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
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I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*