Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

For those that worship cheese..

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

we did it you guys we saved daylight

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.