Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.

7: Noooooo, it’s booties!

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

2023 was just a warmup

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

Breaking news:

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there