Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

Cyber Monday has become too commercialized

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

11: You take a lot of naps

Me: Well you weren’t using them

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.