Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
You Might Also Like
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.