Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia

Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-

Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Ugh, please just take me home

Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food