Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
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This pepper has seen some shit
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Whoa… oh I see lol
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this