Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
You Might Also Like
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.