Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
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sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
genius
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
