Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
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ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?
Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Scientist: Your bear/owl hybrid has escaped.
Me: Dont worry. I put a gps collar on it
Scientest: So u can..
Me: Track my bowl movements, yes