Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

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Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho


ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting





me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]


Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.


People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.


TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff


Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature


I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.


Scientist: Your bear/owl hybrid has escaped.
Me: Dont worry. I put a gps collar on it
Scientest: So u can..
Me: Track my bowl movements, yes