Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
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Kentucky names the shit out of places
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.