Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
You Might Also Like
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?