Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.