Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

this came to me in a vision

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

Every time.

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off