Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
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By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
The glory of fall.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.