Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
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If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
also my go-to takeaway order
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”