Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
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Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.