[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
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At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
hackers play passwordle
#CoronaOutbreak
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.