[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
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Beware of the “party goblin”…
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.