Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

Reset password

‘SevenDays’

Your password is week

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.