Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.

I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.

Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

saving face 👀

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.