Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
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No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Support your local cemetery
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
ok like just. call me at this point
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.