Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
You Might Also Like
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Sending in my taxes
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
doing some research
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower