Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

😉😝

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

*kids fighting over something*

Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.

Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?

Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?