*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
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People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
My father must be spinning in his grave, and not just because of that spinning device I had built into his coffin
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender