*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
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A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
*puts my mental health in rice
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm