Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.