Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

My beach vacation Google searches

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory