[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
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These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”