[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]

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When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.


He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.


I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.


“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????


Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.


It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.


I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.


If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie


cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit


ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?