@pleatedjeans

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

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@timdonakowski

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

@sofarrsogud

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

@polyhumorous

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

@jpbrammer

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

@TheBeerGuy73

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

@jkrambles

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

@HispanicIcon

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

@bobsin

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

@sadgirlkms

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

@Bexdora

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?