Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

What?

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

me after drinking all the wine:

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

Lmao 😁

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is