“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
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Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before