“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
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I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.