Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

Printer ink is expensive

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.