Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

Stop being $50 to eat, food.

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

I can also cook 😂

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

i will avenge u mr van gogh