up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
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[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
The Assassin.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.