Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

they see me scrollin

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

Someone: Im in town!

New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.