Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
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if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Can confirm.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
