Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

Natty or not?

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!