Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

I finally found a reason to live again.

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

Wait a minute

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

like swimming in quick dry cement

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.