Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
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Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November