Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

His flabber was gasted 😂

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.

Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.