Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

I love this❤️😁👍

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies

🇺🇸🤭

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise