Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never ghost your hitman.

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

👍

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.