Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

😎

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Apparently, all that was left was da brie.

***ba dum tissssss***

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

Awwwww shit.