Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.
You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on
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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this