Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.
You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on
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A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Botany good plants lately?
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
You might just have to resign…
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
X-tra spooky blend
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.