Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.
You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on
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Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.