Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Lube but for my dry humor.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
