Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
