“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
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The winds of change can blow me.
brain: let’s talk shall we
brain: are we being chased
brain: are we chasing something
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Sphere pressure 😂😭
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Told my girlfriend she should scream out ‘my god you’re huge’!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room