Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
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There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Nice try Hitler
seems fine
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
who will stop them
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.