UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
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“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side