Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
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The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.