Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT:

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?